"One Space...Not Two!!!" - Part 2: Sink or Swim

"One Space...Not Two!!!" - Part 2: Sink or Swim

Posted by Matthew

This guy probably can't swim.

 Before you go any further, you should read this. It'll only take a minute or two and it's pretty entertaining. You'll be back before you know it.

...

Great, welcome back.

"Aww, that's a lovely story," you might be saying, "what a fantastic writer. In fact, I would be more than happy to throw buckets of money at him for the sake of the betterment of humanity."

Well, thank you, I'm very flattered.

And I'm more than willing to accept your buckets of money. Or you can PayPal me.

The reason I wrote that absurd story was to illuminate how attached we can so easily become to fixed ways of thinking and how threatening and terrifying it can feel when any of our deeply held beliefs are called into question. At the same time, I also wanted to convey that it really isn't the end of the world just because we discover that some (or most) of our beliefs are incorrect.

But why do we become so attached to certain beliefs?

Our beliefs give us a sense of stability and consistency in a world that is ultimately unpredictable and so as we develop we start to treat certain beliefs like a life vest that keeps us from drowning. We may feel completely at ease in the water when we're wearing it but the thought of having it taken away can easily induce some serious panic as we discover that we're not as convinced in our ability to swim as we once thought.

We start to identify with our beliefs so strongly that we are unable to discern where we end and they begin.

It all feels like 'me.'

And so when our fundamental beliefs—whatever they may be—are threatened or attacked, we tend to experience and react as though we are being threatened or attacked. I'm sure we've all experienced this to some degree, like when you point out a simple error to someone and instead of simply acknowledging it and moving on they become irrationally upset and personally defensive, much to your confusion.

It seems silly and yet we all do the same thing without even noticing it because even though we know that we aren't right about everything, we're so sure that we're totally and unquestionably correct about "X,Y, Z," no matter what anyone says. We may even believe that we're open to changing our view if given sufficient reason yet this is often merely lip-service. The truth is that we are far more bound up to our beliefs than we realize or would care to admit.

This poses a significant challenge because the more attached we are to fixed beliefs, the less room there is for anything new, including the truth. However, if we're content to go through life with blinders on, consciously or unconsciously shielding ourselves from anything that conflicts with or calls into question any of our fundamental beliefs, then this isn't really a problem.

After all, if we can find satisfaction in simply enjoying life without being too preoccupied with this kind of inquiry then maybe it doesn't matter.

Except maybe it does?

"One Space...Not Two!!!" - Part 1

"One Space...Not Two!!!" - Part 1

Posted by Matthew

Artist's rendition of my crushed dreams.

The other day, during my morning Facebook revelry of exploring the current affairs shaping our globe, I discovered something that would forever alter my destiny. Before diving headfirst into the excitement and intrigue that is an unpaid internship, I came across this disturbing piece of content. 

You may read the whole article, if you desire, but viewer discretion is advised. Here's a taste:

"Can I let you in on a secret? Typing two spaces after a period is totally, completely, utterly, and inarguably wrong."

"'Forget about tolerating differences of opinion: typographically speaking, typing two spaces before the start of a new sentence is absolutely, unequivocally wrong,' Ilene Strizver, who runs a typographic consulting firm The Type Studio, once wrote. 'When I see two spaces I shake my head and I go, Aye yay yay,' she told me."

It's hard to convey the mixture of shock, horror and despair that immediately began to fill my heart as the words sunk into my soul. Had my entire life been a lie? I knew not, but other questions began to creep into my mind's eye:

"Who am I?" 
"What is the meaning of my existence?" 
"HOW DO I KNOW THAT I EVEN EXIST?"

I found myself to be laid bare before the universe, naked and alone, stripped of all that I had held dear, uncertain of what may lay ahead. Disoriented and drained of vigor, I sat back and waited for the end to arrive as my world spiraled out of control.

But the end did not arrive.

Puzzled, I slowly opened my eyes, squinting as the rays of light from this new world pierced the blackness that had enveloped my soul.

"How could this be?" I thought. "Surely, this must be heaven for I most certainly faced the grim specter of Death and could not possibly possess the strength to have survived such an encounter!"

As I slowly began to come to my senses, I couldn't believe what my eyes beheld: everything was right where it had been previous to my 'dark night of the soul!' And yet something was different.

How can I possibly describe the glory revealed to me in this undeserved revelation of indescribably beauty? There was a sweetness in the air that filled my spirit with joy, like the cool refreshment of a crisp apple on a hot summer's day.

Something had indeed died on that fateful day but that something was not me.


Stay tuned for Part 2...

A Series of Fortunate Events: Part 2 - 'When in Doubt, Put Your Head in the Sand'

A Series of Fortunate Events: Part 2 - 'When in Doubt, Put Your Head in the Sand'

Posted by Matthew

**You've just stumbled upon a series of posts devoted to the sordid and swashbuckling tale of my evolving spiritual journey. How does a guy who grew up as an evangelical Christian—and even went to Bible college—end up working for an organization dedicated to the evolution of consciousness and culture, EnlightenNext? 

Read 'Part 1: Prayers and Paradigms' here.

Once I began to recognize that it was possible for my beliefs to change in radical ways, seemingly beyond my control, I began to experience some serious spiritual vertigo. But rather than look directly into the cause of my dis-ease, I decided to put all of my eggs in another basket that seemed much more secure—an intimate relationship—and hope for the best.

The best did not transpire.

Putting all of your eggs in one basket is fine, as long as it's not some crappy basket you cobbled together out of old shoes and dental floss. I guess I was hoping that these deeper issues I was awakening to would just sort themselves out in time, which is a fairly irresponsible approach to life. That would be akin to hearing a knocking in your car engine and deciding that it shouldn't be a problem or affect anything else as long as you keep the floor mats clean.

"Putting all of your eggs in one basket is fine, as long as it's not some crappy basket you cobbled together out of old shoes and dental floss."

While I believe that trauma can, in some circumstances, be a catalyst for profound, positive change and growth in a person's life, I don't think that's often the case.  What could have been an opportunity to really dig into these bigger questions of life was relegated to a long stretch of wasted time, as I instead chose to bury my head in the sand.

I felt lost, confused and abandoned and the faith that once seemed to be my refuge in times of struggle now seemed to offer little protection against the slings and arrows of life. 

Interestingly enough, this didn't cause me to fundamentally doubt God or to abandon my faith in Christianity.

Even as my highest laid plans seemed to disintegrate before me, I had tasted too much beauty, goodness and truth to be able to honestly deny that there was something infinitely greater in this world beyond myself.  As time went on, I began to view my state of confusion and despair as the result of my own unwillingness to really give myself fully and unconditionally to this Goodness.

I found myself thinking, "How could I possibly trust my whole life to something I can't even see when there seems to be no guarantee that I'll be free from the crippling existential pain I'm living with?" It seemed impossible to do.

"I was waiting for some kind of escape or release that never seemed to appear except in brief moments that vanished almost as soon as they arrived."

 I believed that if I really surrendered to this Impulse that it would end up asking everything from me.  It seemed as though there was no way I could keep my life for myself AND surrender it unconditionally to God, whatever that meant.

Whatever was being asked of me felt like it was more than I could bear.

So instead of really trying to move forward I was waiting for some kind of profound shift to occur in me where I would feel compelled to simply give up and surrender.  I also thought this would only happen when someone else magically made it happen.  I was waiting for some kind of escape or release that never seemed to appear except in brief moments that vanished almost as soon as they arrived.

I had deep intimations that another kind of life was possible but the limiting beliefs I had about how to get there turned out to be about as useful as trying to navigate with Apple Maps.

It wouldn't be until years later that I would discover, in hindsight, that even though I thought I really wanted to become a different person, I didn't really want to change.

Stay tuned for Part 3...

48 Hours of Freefall

48 Hours of Freefall

Posted by Matthew

I recently finished participating in the 4th Annual EnlightenNext Meditation Marathon where I spent 48 hours in a row meditating.

I remember when I first started to practice meditation over two years ago and felt that sitting still for five minutes was pushing the limits of my capabilities.  Clearly, a lot has happened since then...but that's another story.

For now, I'm going to focus on this 48 hours because I know many people are interested to hear about it.

I'll start by saying that while it was incredibly profound, the reason for this is probably not what most would imagine. It might be easy to think that some kind of profound spiritual revelation must have occurred or that I spent those two days sailing along in a sea of yogic bliss or that all of the stress and anxiety I once experienced totally disappeared.

"Seriously, if you want to see how boring and irrelevant your mind can be, try meditation."

Not so.

Do you want to know what my experience was really like during most of those 48 hours?  Fairly mundane.

While there were some periods where time seemed to literally disappear and an hour would pass in what could have been a second, as well as a few moments of feeling enormous amounts of energy running through different parts of my body, most of the time I just sat there as my mind churned out an endless array of pointless commentary. 

Seriously, if you want to see how boring and irrelevant your mind can be, try meditation.

But how about a short list of some of my experiences, just for posterity's sake: fear, joy, frustration, pain, discomfort, peace, boredom, anger, tiredness, all manner of psychological and sexual desire, the urge to slap someone in the face, self-doubt, random daydreams, thoughts of escaping in the night and never returning, stomach cramps, etc.

It was all very 'spiritual,' as you can tell.

"Most of us spend our entire lives believing that our thoughts and feelings define who we are without ever seriously questioning whether or not this is true."

Nevertheless, what's so incredible about the practice of meditation is not that it will necessarily lead to any kind of emotional, psychological, or even spiritual experience (though it may), what's incredible about meditation, when undertaken with sincerity, is that it reveals to us that who we are is deeper than the mind.

Most of us spend our entire lives believing that our thoughts and feelings define who we are—and that we have no choice but to respond to them—without ever seriously questioning whether or not this is true.  Meditation is choosing to be so still and relaxed—while simultaneously paying so much attention—that we begin to see our own mind in a profoundly more objective way than how we normally see it during the hustle and bustle of life.

And this has the potential to change everything.

Having the direct realization that you are not your thoughts and feelings—nor are you a slave to them—should be more than enough to provoke any reasonable and sensitive person to start asking bigger questions about the nature of life and reality, the answers to which have the potential to literally alter our destiny.

"Learning to remain anchored in the midst of a raging inner storm while I'm sitting still and not moving invariably helps me to remain anchored amidst the intensity of wholeheartedly engaging with life."

That's what happened to me.

But having this realization is one thing.  Backing it up with my actions is another.  And that's where the real challenge emerges.

As such, I continue to meditate daily, as well as devoting extended periods of time to the practice. Why? Because the insights I discover in meditation are easily forgotten and obscured by the busyness of life and my own unconscious habits and patterns.

I continue to meditate to remind myself over and over and over again of the truth that has been revealed to me—that I am not a slave to my mind—until it's no longer possible to forget.

I continue to meditate because I want to become more trustworthy, a person of profound integrity, one who has the courage and strength to hold onto their highest values and deepest realizations amidst the unpredictable and sometimes fierce inner storms of doubt, confusion, and fear.

Learning to remain anchored in the midst of a raging storm while I'm sitting still and not moving invariably helps me to remain anchored amidst the intensity of wholeheartedly engaging with life.

And so tomorrow I will meditate. And the next day. And the day after that.


Image: USAJFKSWCS/Flickr.com

A Series of Fortunate Events: Part 1 - 'Prayers and Paradigms'

A Series of Fortunate Events: Part 1 - 'Prayers and Paradigms'

Posted by Matthew

 The Church Of Saint Etienne,  France

**You've just stumbled upon a series devoted to the sordid and swashbuckling tale of my evolving spiritual journey, in large part inspired by my participation in the 4th Annual Meditation Marathon where I'll be meditating for 40 hours on December 8-9th.  Learn more here!

So how does a guy who grew up as an evangelical Christian - and even went to Bible college - end up working for an organization dedicated to the evolution of consciousness and culture, EnlightenNext? 

In the Beginning…

I grew up within the church, in a home with Christian parents, and was told about God and Jesus from as early as I can remember.  It's part of my history that I am deeply grateful for. 

I was very much involved with my youth group, once I 'came of age,' and continued to grow in my faith that God was not only real but very much a part of my life.  While growing up and moving through adolescence has its share of challenges, it also brought with it a variety of profound spiritual experiences, which only deepened my conviction that God did, in fact, exist.

I went to Bible studies, I attended youth retreats, I played guitar in Sunday worship, and I even delivered a (fairly poor) sermon when I was in high school.  But in the midst of all of that I wasn't filled with the kind of deep peace and joy that I was told God would give me.  In fact, I regularly felt depressed and anxious about life.

"We see reality through a variety of lenses and these lenses can change, thereby giving us a new picture of reality."

I wanted something more but I didn’t exactly know what.  So I went to Bible college.  Truth be told, I didn’t have any idea what to do with my life and this seemed like the best option (this has proved to be a recurring theme).

This proved to be one of the most formational times in my life, I began to really question my ideas and beliefs.  Not in a way that prompted me to doubt them but in a way that made me realize there was so much more to reality than I could see. 

Incidentally, one of the most mind-blowing books I read all year was one that had virtually nothing to do with the Bible or God: it was a book about paradigm shifts, that we see reality through a variety of lenses and these lenses can change, thereby giving us a new picture of reality.

I was totally enthralled with the idea that the way we perceive the world is neither static nor absolute.  I couldn't quite 'get it' at the time but it left an indelible impression and planted seeds that would not be watered until several years later.

Cracks in the Foundation

While my faith in God only grew over this life-changing year, I distinctly remember a particular moment that will forever be embedded in my consciousness: for no particular reason I was confronted in my mind with the recognition that what I was more afraid of than anything else in the world was 'losing my faith...'

Stay tuned for Part 2 coming soon...


Learn more about my '40 hours of Meditation' here. 

Image: Mamjodh/Flickr.com

A Choice of Perspectives: "Mary & Martha" Pt. 2

A Choice of Perspectives: "Mary & Martha" Pt. 2

Posted by Matthew

^"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'
 'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'”

'One thing.'

Mary could feel it more deeply than she could her very own bones.  It felt closer than close and when Jesus said those words to her sister, Martha, it didn't so much leave her feeling smug and sure of herself as it did leave her in a state of awe and wonder that Jesus somehow mysteriously knew what she was seeing.  How could he?  In any case, he did.  He knew that she had become a 'finder.'

Martha didn't get it.  She couldn't quite see the truth, god bless her heart.  She was certainly trying to do the right thing and serve her master, whom she loved, even though she was oblivious to what had captivated Mary's heart.  What Martha did know was that Jesus was a powerful teacher and she could recognize that he was unlike anyone she had ever met before.  She felt compelled to be in his presence and was willing to do what she could to support his mission, even if she didn't fully understand it.

I'm sure Mary had sympathy for her sister and felt saddened by her frustrated reaction, not because of her unfair condemnation but because of her sheer ignorance!  If she'd had the eyes to see then she would have never responded in such a crude and silly way.

When Jesus spoke of this 'one thing,' Mary immediately knew what he meant.  How did she know?  Because she had found it for herself! She could neither explain it nor articulate it but she knew it in the deepest depths of her being.  She had discovered what was more important than anything else and it was not an object, idea, belief or person.

If Mary's own sister had asked her what it was, she wouldn't have known what to say other than to point at Jesus and exclaim, "There!  That's it!  Can't you see?"  Even though she was unable to fully grasp the mystery that was before her, it was clear to her that what was flowing through this spiritual master was more significant and more real than anything else she had ever encountered, including her own sense of self, which seemed like a flickering shadow in comparison.

But Martha simply could not see what was right in front of her; she was mesmerized by the shadows while Mary had finally discovered the light.

A Choice of Perspectives: "Mary & Martha" Pt.1

A Choice of Perspectives: "Mary & Martha" Pt.1

Posted by Matthew

^"As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.  But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, 'Lord, don’t you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!'
 'Martha, Martha,' the Lord answered, 'you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed—or indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her.'”

One thing. 

ONLY ONE THING?!? 

Who does Jesus think he is?  'One thing.'  Ridiculous.  Could you be any more over-simplistic than that?  Who would actually take a teaching like this seriously?  Maybe it made sense to the uneducated masses of ancient Palestine but it certainly doesn't make sense to anyone with half a brain in this day and age. It doesn't take a college degree to realize that this whole 'one thing' business is not going to get you very far in life.

But it doesn't end there, friends.

The absurdity of the story is not merely expressed in the outrageous statement Jesus makes about only 'one thing' being needed but also in his reaction to Martha.  In an act that defies logical comprehension, Jesus chastises Martha for her hard work and concern for getting things ready (for his sake, I might add), while Mary is praised for an act that reeks of pure, self-centered laziness.  "Why should I bother helping," she may have thought, "since my sister will just take care of everything like she always does?"  Mary is congratulated for expressing the maturity and responsibility of a ten-year-old, whereas Martha is scolded for attempting to serve her 'master.'

Maybe in his insular world, Jesus didn't realize that most people don't have disciples fawning all over them, willing to cook their meals and offer them places to sleep as they wander around aimlessly from town to town, doing some magic tricks and giving inspirational talks, like a cross between David Copperfield and Tony Robbins.

The arrogance doesn't end there, however, because he has the audacity to criticize his one follower who's actually preparing the food he's going to eat, in favour of her doe-eyed sister who's clearly so enraptured by her powerful teacher that she's oblivious to the fact that the earth is still turning.

I have no doubt that Jesus was giving a riveting discourse on some deeply important subject but to make such an audacious claim that only 'one thing' is needed - and that this 'one thing' happens to be giving him your undivided attention - is an expression of a narcissism so grandiose that it can hardly be comprehended by us 'mortal' folk.

This is how cult's start: take one charismatic leader with a messiah complex, stir in a group of fanatical devotees who lack rational discrimination, add a dash of utopian idealism, and sprinkle generously with self-insulating arrogance.  Bake for thirty minutes and...voila!

Martha seems like one of the few followers of Jesus that actually had her head screwed on straight and wasn't willing to compromise what she knew to be true, even when it went against her teacher's absurd demands.  Martha wasn't as foolish and naive as Mary - she could think for herself didn't need anyone to save her.  She was concerned about an inconsistency she saw in this supposed 'spiritual master' and she can hardly be faulted for that! 

Martha didn't live in a bubble, she saw the bigger picture and was willing to act on it.

Just like Judas.