Choose-your-own...Reality?

The challenge of being an individual with integrity is not only living up to what we say we believe.  That's hard enough but another deeply challenging aspect of this is that we're not always aware of what it means to live up to what we say we believe.

The more complex our understanding of life becomes, the more work is required to really explore the philosophical implications of what we've seen to be true, to whatever extent that might be.  I can have a profound spiritual experience (like the one I experienced two weeks ago) and believe that it was an experience of truth and yet remain relatively unchanged if I'm unwilling to do the difficult work of using my intellectual capacity - to the best of my ability - to really look into the implications of what I experienced.

Even this recognition does not make this journey a neat and tidy one.  Two people can have a very similar experience and come to very different conclusions regarding what it means about how they live their lives.  Perhaps newborn infants have a clean slate but we definitely do not.  We enter every experience with our preconditioned thoughts and ideas, with our own unique temperament and with our own psychological, emotional, intellectual and physical characteristics.  All we can do is work with what we've got, though we can certainly make the effort to develop what we've got, too.

Nevertheless, we are all making inferences about our experiences already, even if they're not very logical and reasonable inferences.  If I'm in a hurry to get to work and I hit a red light it may very well be easy to think, "Why does God want me to be late?!?  What did I do wrong?"  If I believe that God is in control of every detail surrounding all of existence then such an interpretation would make sense.  And this is what people have predominantly believed at a certain stage of human development throughout history.  It's 'reasonable' but only from a particular point of view, one which most of us no longer view as very reasonable at all.

As a result of this traffic transgression, I might search my heart and soul to find my unconfessed sin or, failing that, I might promise God my allegiance for his mercy in getting me to work on time.  I can honestly say I have attempted such negotiations.  Again, reasonable actions if I have a particular belief system and understanding but totally ridiculous outside of that.

How many people have tried to make deals with God to avoid some immense difficulty or tragedy, even though they may have previously scoffed at the very notion of a Divine Intervener?  Perhaps they weren't really sure whether or not God exists but what would it really mean to live as though one didn't know whether God exists?  What would be the philosophical implications of such uncertainty?

It would appear that many of us are willing (to some degree) to essentially drop some of our beliefs and pick up others when it's most convenient.  This seems a bit selfish, narcissistic and relativistic, does it not?  But it's not all bad because being 'certain' about things we can't really be certain about can be a dangerous game.  So says post-modernism.  And it's a reasonable caution.  The 20th century is a testimony to this.

In my view, the problem isn't found in remaining uncertain - open to new ideas and revelation - the problem is that many of us can appreciate this ideal but we still pick and choose things we want to be certain about without really going through the philosophical gauntlet of critical thinking that allows us to use as much information as possible to arrive at the most informed conclusions we possibly can, even if they're not absolute.  We want to be able to choose what to be certain about and what not to be certain about, to just take the best of both worlds.

We want to have our cake and eat it too.

Unfortunately, once you open this can of worms, you have to keep going all the way or you end up in some kind of nebulous philosophical limbo.  Not a fun place.  It takes a lot of courage to walk through the uncertainty that emerges when we come to see that absolute truth claims are not absolutely true simply because they are claimed to be so.  "Is anything absolutely true?" we wonder.  That's not a comfortable question.

So how do we come to know what is true or if such things are possible?  I meant to write about this before and never got to it.  I'm glad I ended up at this point, however that happened.  I shall explore this important question more fully next time...

Better than Better

I have all kinds of time on my hands.  Some days I feel like I waste it frivolously while other days I feel as though I've made good use of it in a worthwhile way. 

The challenge I face is the recognition that the path forward is not simply a path of doing more 'worthwhile' things and doing less 'not-as-worthwhile' things.  I would suggest that if we have some reasonable understanding of life then doing things that seem more worthwhile to us is probably going to yield greater fruit in the end. 

Having said that, there are sooooo many good and worthwhile things to be done!  One could endlessly devote themselves to all manner of good things and it would be lovely.  But would there be something missing?  Doing things that we perceive as being positive builds self-esteem and self-confidence, both of which are great, not to mention the potential benefit to others, too, assuming they actually are positive beyond our own perception.

But in a world of so many opportunities and 'good things,' how do we choose what to do?
I find myself often in a state of apathy and confusion when I see that I have so many choices to do all manner of goodness and still remain essentially the person I am today, just better. 

Don't get me wrong, this would not be a bad thing at all!  Being better would be better but I don't want to simply be better.  If all I will end up as is a better version of the same person, I'm not that interested.  I don't want to be fundamentally the same person I am today no matter how much better. 

I want better than better.

Is that too audacious?  Perhaps it is and yet I honestly cannot imagine how I could settle for less, though, to be honest, isn't that what I'm doing, day in and day out?  Am I not settling for less in the life that I am living?  It's true, I am. 

Why do I settle for less?  Because despite the profound experiences I've had and the philosophical clarity I've experienced I'm not ready to let go of this self-identity that has been carved out for me, partly by my own hands, partly by culture, and partly by this evolutionary process that has brought us this far. 

Who would I be if I let it all go?  I know there's someone better than better on the other side of this and yet my willingness to overcome the sheer terror I feel at the thought of such a radical change is a bit...lacking.

But maybe the terror is never going to disappear.  Will I remain a prisoner of my own mind and emotions?  Can I find the courage to step outside of my cold, dark cell and never return?  That seems like an obvious choice when life is so much better on the outside!  I know, I've tasted it.  And yet peaking your head out is not the same as running into the open air and never going back.
 
From a more objective perspective, it may seem as though I'm not really that interested in such things or I would be doing a lot more to really make it happen.  There's some truth to that but I'm also honestly not really that interested in a whole lot and yet this is the one thing I keep coming back to again and again, no matter how many times I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel.

Of course, if I never actually succeed in the kind of transformation that I keep speaking of and pointing towards then I might look like quite the fool in the end. 

Hmm, that's a humbling thought. 

And so I continue to face into these things, even when I feel as though I'm not moving forward at all and that these words serve no real purpose. 

Call it faith, I suppose.

Falling into the Mystery

I had quite a profound experience a few days ago while driving across the snow-covered prairies of Canada. 

As I was sitting in the relative comfort of a warm car on a chilly winter's day, I began to talk aloud.  I wasn't talking to myself, per se, I was just talking.  Now, I normally enjoy writing because it's a vehicle to focus our thoughts and create order out of the elegant chaos of our minds.  Speaking can be just such a vehicle, too, and even more immediate.  Often in writing, I find myself concerned with the bigger context of having a coherent grouping of thoughts and ideas that make relative sense.  This is not a bad thing at all but as I was sitting alone on a nine-hour drive with no one to hear me but the wind, I was struck by the fact that I could say anything and it would never be evaluated or judged for coherence and consistency, for content or stylistic flourish.  It would likely never even be remembered by me! 

So I began to speak.  I didn't have anything in particular I wanted to express or 'get off my chest,' rather I was simply enamoured with the idea that I could open myself as wide as possible and let the words flow without judging them, seemingly free from consequence and implication.  The 'goal,' if there was one, was simply to open my heart and mouth wide enough to face and experience whatever emerged without being particularly concerned with any of the actual content. 

What was so different about this time was not the words I was saying but the posture I was taking in relationship to them.  As soon as I began to take this inner posture of openness - of choosing to avoid nothing that emerge - I began feeling lighter in my being.  As I pressed on, a sense of joy began to arise within my awareness.  At this point, the words were no longer the center of attention at all but I kept speaking, continuing to express the beauty I was witnessing.

This joy that was rising up within me was not connected to anything in particular, no thought or image or feeling was its source.  It seemed to emerge from life itself, that there was nothing that could be separate from this joy, not even me.  I felt as though every cell in my body was being pulled forward, towards embracing all of manifestation as an inseparable whole.  Tears filled my eyes as I was overwhelmed by the sheer goodness of life, that existence, in and of itself, is wholly positive.

It became apparent that I was standing on the edge of something, leaning into the unknown, filled with both terror and ecstasy at the realization that to fully embrace what I was seeing would mean unconditionally letting go of everything else.  It had to be all or nothing.  But I also knew that there was nothing to fear in giving myself fully to this Mystery. 

After some time, the experience began to diminish in my awareness, as it almost always does, and yet the profound revelation I received was not only regarding the experience itself but the recognition that it emerged within this internal posture I was taking and that the experience and posture were, in fact, fundamentally not separate - two aspects of the same reality.  The experience was a gift of grace, which I had no control over, and yet taking this posture was a conscious decision that I made. 

So what am I going to do with what I've seen?  Bearing witness to it is a nice start but the real work of contemplation is what's in store for me.  We have to give ourselves time and space to consider these experiences when we have them or they'll become a nice memory rather than an immanent reality.  Spiritual experiences are wonderful and yet they seldom, by themselves, have the power to radically transform our lives.  Why not?  Because if we sincerely want to transform then we have to be willing to consider and embrace the implications of what has been revealed to us through these experiences.  

It really is up to us. 

I hope this particular story can be a signpost towards Spirit and an encouragement for us to engage more consciously with our own spiritual journeys.  Sorting through our experiences and the implications that emerge can be quite a challenge and bringing these things out in dialogue with others can be a huge support so if you have any experiences you'd like to share, or questions about my own, feel free to let me know.

I am not yet Surrendered

It's funny to think that for someone like myself, who practically lives in the world of thought, I would have such a difficult time contemplating who I am and where I am at - pretty basic things.  But I find it tremendously challenging.  It takes an enormous amount of courage and a truly heroic effort to look more deeply into what's really important to us and who we believe ourselves to be.

Why is it often so difficult?  Perhaps because what we may find can threaten some deeply help beliefs that seem to be woven into the very fabric of our self-identity.

For a very long time, I've recognized the dissonance between the person I would like to be and the person I am, or putting it another way, between the choices I recognize as being virtuous and the choices I actually make.  I think many people experience this tension at times, some more than others, yet beyond the mere feelings of shame or guilt or inadequacy that can arise, my experience has also been characterized by a refusal to accept this reality.

Rather than accepting that I'm at where I'm at, I focus on where I think I should be, as if that is enough to fundamentally change anything.  I can see now that I've made a crucial mistake in assuming that being aware of my own greater potential means I will manifest this potential.

It may seem obvious that this would not necessarily be true and yet I've consistently refused to accept it, assuming it should be true and that there must be something wrong with me to make it 'untrue.'   I forget or ignore my own free will.   Even if I've caught a glimpse of what's on the other side of a river,  I'm not going to get there until I've committed to it and I actually start swimming.

I must honestly face the reality that I won't live like someone who is absolutely and wholeheartedly committed to Spirit when I am not.  And I am not.  I must first accept this if I am to move forward, if I am to ever come to a place of making such a commitment.  Pretending I have already done so is not only untrue it's also disempowering because it implies there must be something wrong with me, as an individual, if such a commitment radically transforms the lives of others but leaves my own fundamentally unchanged.

I've always made it a problem about me.

"I'm not good enough."

"I'm a failure."

"There's something wrong with me."

These are, of course, distortions of the truth.  It would be like trying to swim across a river but turning back because it feels too cold and then assuming I'm incapable of making it even though I can see others in the water and those who've made it to the far side.  If this is what I was to believe then what hope would there be to succeed?  Not a whole lot.

Radical transformation is possible.  However, we must first embrace where we are right now.  This is both humbling and clarifying. 

I have seen the glory of God and I am not surrendered to it. 

This is where I am.  This is the place to start.

Messiness and Insight

I was writing an email to a friend and had said something to the effect of, "If you want to know where I'm at with life you can check out my blog."  Then I quickly realized that even though this blog is implicitly an expression of where I'm at in my journey, I'm often not very explicit about the nitty gritty parts of my life.  In short, this blog isn't nearly as messy as my actual life.

And that's okay.

I don't have anything against writing about my own fears and struggles and dreams and victories, but I don't necessarily see that as being the most beneficial...ah, I just don't like being publicly vulnerable.  I mean, I don't 'like' being vulnerable at any time.  'I' don't want to face the implications that arise.  But this leads me to another point...

What I'm uncovering on this journey is how we, as human beings, are made up of innumerable conflicting impulses and desires, some we would consider noble while others we demonize, though there is little consensus on how to determine which is which.

Actually, this I learned a while ago but what is challenging me to the core is seeing that so much of my efforts to change, and even many of my more 'noble' actions, are still motivated by the same part of myself that is also, at times, interested in selfish choices and self-destructive behaviour.  Yes, there are multiple parts to the human condition but the lines are not only where I thought they were.

Almost all of my experience as a human being has been rooted in one particular kind of experience of who I am - the ego, the psychological sense of self.  Good decisions, bad decisions, virtuous dreams, horrifying impulses, 99.999% of them have been experienced within this particular identity.  Why do I talk about it like this?  Because it's only ONE aspect of who I am and it's not even the most significant one.

The only reason I can see this is that I've experienced a deeper dimension of who I am and from that position it becomes immediately and perfectly clear that this 'normal' way that I've been relating to life is only one small part of an infinitely bigger picture.

The shocking part is the deconstruction of the idea that my 'good' thoughts, feelings, and decisions come from a 'Good' part of myself and that my 'bad' thoughts, feelings, and decisions come from a 'Bad' part of myself.  This is not entirely wrong but it's only partially true. 

An example would to look at a person at ten-years old, twenty-years old, thirty-years old, etc.  They may have very different understandings of who they are at these different ages because of the difference in life experience, psychological development, cultural conditioning, and other potential influences and yet their sense of identity can be in the exact same place, namely, the psychological self.  This goes for all of us. 

But there is a deeper dimension of who we are that, when discovered, makes everything else seem as real as a dream.

Where does the messiness fit in?  In discovering these things but remaining unwilling to live into the reality they've revealed to me.  I'm still fundamentally identified with my psychological self, with my thoughts and feelings, and one could say this is the greatest addiction of all to give up. 

Because of my failure to live from this deeper sense of self, I can also see how my words and actions can ring so hollow in a world desperate for people who are willing to live beyond their ego and model a new way of being that is profoundly transformational and yet relatively uncommon and unseen by most. 

In an ideal world, after having discovered such profound intel, I would then commit my life to being a greater and greater manifestation of the inherent beauty and perfection of this deeper sense of self, even amidst all of my human imperfections and limitations.  I know more clearly than I ever have before how much potential my life really has and it's excruciating to actually face the fact that most of the time I'm squandering it. 

On top of all that, I also see that the guilt and desire to change that I experience internally is still largely rooted in the part of me that doesn't actually want to change or be responsible.  No wonder my progress seems so inconsistent and slow, in many ways.

I totally acknowledge that this may be incomprehensible to some.  Consider this a moment of me embracing the messiness of this process.

...who am I?

I've been accused of thinking too much.  I agree.

Others of us could be accused of not thinking enough.  This can also be a problem.

Nevertheless, I don't think the problem is 'thinking too much' or 'not thinking enough.'  If you really stop to consider your own experience, you're almost always thinking - even if you aren't aware of it - and you're almost always doing - even if that means sitting down and staring at the wall. 

I think what we might be referring to when evaluating what constitutes a withdrawn and indecisive 'thinker' from an impulsive and unaware 'doer' is a bit more subtle.  When we accuse people of thinking too much what I believe we're trying to communicate is, "You can't always have everything figured out before you act and choosing to not act is still a choice that has consequences." 

Our critique against those who don't think enough might be, "You need to realize that even though you can't have everything figured out before you act, some choices are better than others and taking some time to consider this is worthwhile because all choices have consequences."

Fair enough? 

I don't think the deficiency in these two scenarios points to simply a lack of balance between thinking and doing.  I'm sure there are helpful ways of evaluating how to invest one's time in energy between these areas of experience and achieve greater success in life through evaluating the potential impact of choices and then using that factor to determine the appropriate...blah, blah, blah.  I genuinely do believe that can be helpful but I think it still misses something fundamental.

Our thoughts, in and of themselves, don't seem to have much impact in the world of time and form.  I don't discredit the potential power of 'positive thinking' but in comparison to our actions, where we take our body and actually do things, it seems their footprint is relatively small.

But then the question arises, where do our choices come from?  Why do we make some choices and not others?  Why do I choose to offer help to the old lady I see in the parking lot and choose to speak harshly with a loved one? 

For most of us, our thoughts and feelings determine our actions.  It seems we may give more credence to one over the other, depending on the circumstances, but they are almost always both present in our internal experience...aside from the extremes of robots and babies.  Our inner world is often a swirling mass of interpenetrating thoughts and feelings and this is occurring in me as I write this just as surely as it is occurring in you as you read this, whatever the particular cocktail might be.

These are interesting things to consider but what I'm interested in goes a step further.  What lies beyond the limited world of thought and feeling that make up our sense of self?  Beyond your thoughts and feelings, who are you?

And what does any of this have to do with becoming whole and healthy human beings?  In some ways, it would seem I've just thrown out everything I was previously writing.  We invest so much of our energy and sense of self in our thoughts and feelings but are we willing to find out who is left when we momentarily set them aside? 

What I'm suggesting is that who we believe ourselves to be is fundamentally affects our entire existence and relationship with everything.  Do we really know who we are? 

What we believe about life and the universe and God and truth and beauty and goodness are all underpinned and resting on this simple question: "who am I?" 

The Shift

"It's never enough until it's too much." ~ Andrew Cohen

The profound transformation that all genuine spiritual paths lead us toward is always immanent and immediate.  It's not something that happens in the future, it only happens right now.  It's not about becoming a different person in the future or making slow and steady changes over time.  That's a valid and valuable piece of the pie but it's not what I'm speaking about.

 What I'm speaking about is a fundamental shift of identity, of who we are choosing to be, from identifying with our relative, personal self to identifying with a dimension of our self that is infinitely deeper and always already free. 

It's a shift that we're never going to feel ready for, right now.  It's always going to seem like it's 'too much' looking at if from the outside, too radical, too extreme, too challenging, too unreasonable, too irresponsible, too frightening, too demanding, too impossible.  I feel these things as I write these words. 

That you and I can literally become different people, right now, in spite of - and in the midst of - all of our human frailties just seems too much for us to bear.  It couldn't possibly be that simple!  But what if it is?  When you begin to face into the possibility of such things you will likely discover, as I have, that you don't really want to change as much as you thought. 

There is a part of all of us that has no interest in the radical transformation that many of the great spiritual masters have pointed to and demonstrated but there is also a deeper part of ourselves that is indeed only interested in such transformation.  The subtle part is that we are not standing somewhere in the middle choosing sides.  We have already chosen a side and we're looking at all of this from that part of ourselves, the part that believes this is all 'too much.' 

When we bring forth the courage we need to face such things we discover that the implications are profound, perhaps more so than we may have ever imagined.  Even the very idea that we can choose to identify and live from a deeper part of who we are that is already free seems utterly unbearable for the ego.  No amount or type of spiritual practice or self-help techniques - by themselves - are going to transform us in this fundamental way without our willingness and intention to face into these challenging questions, possibilities, and implications.

Nothing is so simple yet so demanding.  How easy or difficult this will seem to any of us is something we will find out for ourselves.  What I do know is that it means letting go of everything.  That's pretty serious and until we're willing to be this serious we're not going to get very far.  That's up to each one of us.

What about grace?  Surely this can't all be on our shoulders?

To me, grace is found in the fact that we can freely make this shift and are given all the help in the universe when we intend to do so.  What more could any of us ask for? 

After all is said and done, this all points back to me: my words are my life.  If I'm not embodying what I'm speaking about then these are all just interesting ideas, are they not?  I'm seeing more and more clearly that beyond any particular words and actions, the greatest way for me to help others make this shift is to first choose it for myself.