Seriously, where's the cord???

I am by no means a mechanic. In fact, I know an exceptionally small amount about automobiles.

That may be true, but what I DO know is that my car MUST have a block heater. It simply could not have survived the harsh cold of a Saskatchewan winter without one.

I also know that if it has a block heater then that block heater MUST have a cord to plug it in. That's the conundrum. I cannot find that cord. I've looked in many a place but clearly not the place where it is to be found.

If my car starts tomorrow morning it will be a blessing directly from heaven. I sure pray and hope that it does. I don't expect it to go the first time, but at least in three. I don't think that's too much to ask.

However, what also didn't seem like too much to ask, when requested to help push a friend's old Jeep from his garage to his backyard, turned out to be a disaster. I will spare you the details, but I couldn't feel my toes when we were finished...half an hour later...and then I could feel them, except that it was just raw pain. Not so good.

I still love the snow, but seriously, couldn't baby Jesus have made winter a bit warmer? I don't think that's too much to ask.

Weird story for the day a.k.a. 'the girl'

Weird story for the day. Well, weird and cool.

So there's this girl in my 'Jesus' class. I don't know why she sticks out in my mind so much. Probably because she's one of the few people around my age, probably because I thought she had a lower back tattoo (she still might, it's kind of an awkward thing to bring up), and probably because she's one of the few people in the class that I have talked to at some point. Anyway, the point is that she sticks out.

We were getting ready for the presentation we did this afternoon and, for some reason, she came to mind a few times. I can only guess as to why, but she did. I just had this vision of her being really interested in what Mark and I would be talking about, and that she would want to talk to me about it afterwards.

Strange.

Those are thoughts I generally disregard.

The presentation went really well, despite how absolutely difficult it was to finally get things down on paper (Powerpoint). More than anything I just wanted to speak truth, and I prayed as such before we started. God was present. It wasn't the greatest presentation, although my classmate who received $5 through a demonstration was probably pumped, but God was there and He can compensate for our mediocrity. Mark did an awesome job (word up!) and was able to speak some truth that I wasn't even prepared for.

It was blessed.

Thank You.

So we finish our thing, sit down, and our prof talks about some stuff related to our presentation, which was nice. Oddly enough, 'girl' had ended up sitting right next to Mark and I. Class finished and we sat there debriefing for a moment. 'Girl' then gets her stuff but stops and tells us that she enjoyed our presentation. She then proceeds to ask me a question about what we had said, about how I would interpret some other passages and how we can really ever know God. I was a bit taken aback, so I don't think I listened or answered well enough, but God is gracious. It wasn't about my answers, it was about what He was doing in her.

This was the girl who was typing another paper during everyone else's presentations (or possibly taking notes...) and didn't seem to be paying attention too closely. But she ended up paying attention to God. I don't know exactly what He had to say to her, or to anyone else in the class for that matter.

But He was there.

It was a good thing.

Messiness

God can do some cool stuff even when we're pretty screwed up. I can testify to that.

It seems that no matter how broken I am, God is able to use the slightest bit of trust and obedience to further the kingdom in some way, small or large. That says a lot about who He is, and maybe a little bit about who I am.

God is a god of redemption, of making things right when sin has broken them. I will be loving life when that is fulfilled in my own being, as well as in those around me and all of creation.

Tonight, I recklessly abandoned my fear, followed Jesus, and went over to our neighbors, once again. I asked for the key to the garage, as well as offered an invite for some chili. That may seem insignificant, but it's a pretty big deal for moi.

They didn't show up at the time I told them so I figured they just weren't coming. I was a bit disappointed but figured that I had been obedient, if nothing else. Then one came by to say they'd be over in a bit. And then they arrived, and it was good.

It was a bigger piece of community, of what I am called to pursue. It was an expression of God's heart, especially since they have been little else but annoying to us with their loud and often obnoxious parties.

I enjoyed getting to know them, even if only to some small degree, finding things in common with our schooling or how one of them plays guitar and another piano.

You see, now they're no longer "those dumb-ass neighbors". I have no doubt they'll still have loud parties with drunk friends, but I don't see them the same way.

Now they have names.

Now they're real human beings.

I like that.

It makes things messier, though, and that can be difficult at times. Life is messy, and people live life, hence, people are messy. And since I'm called to love people, in a way I'm also called to love 'messiness'.

It's what God graciously does with me.

If I was the last man on earth...

I think I would get bored quite quickly.

I'm not sure how I would be able to survive. I mean, I would have enough food, but really, that's about it. And mere physical survival doesn't carry you too far if there is no hope driving it.

First, I think I would sleep-in. That would be awesome, as it always is. Then I would go to a 7-Eleven and enjoy a meal consisting of Big Turk candy bars and those gummy frogs. Mmm, gummy frogs...ahhh...

But seriously (well, sort of), I think I would get incredibly bored with no one else around, not to mention exceptionally lonely. Even if I'm alone now I can somehow take comfort in knowing that my isolation is chosen, not forced upon me, and that there are people all around me in all kinds of relationships that give me hope for my own life. What I seem to lack, I am generally able to find in another person. I don't know why that's good, but that's how I see it.

Ooh, one more thing I would probably do if I was the only person around would be to drive a car off of a bridge. I wouldn't be inside of it, I don't think, I just figure it would be pretty sweet.

Tough love?

It's funny how we can be consumed with so many things that relate to God, with so many things that may even glorify God, and yet not be consumed with God.

Oh Lord, You powerbomb us so graciously through spiritual tables. Thank You.

Teach me humility, to humbly seek after you, to seek out Your heart.

That I might cherish Your love. And Your Roy's Pizzas.

Amen

It really just doesn't matter

I was pumped to think of the possibility that our 'Jesus' class presentation might be bumped back a day. Such was not the case. I fell into remorse, but only briefly, as I gathered some perspective and realized, "Hmm, just because the prof didn't move the date, doesn't mean WE can't." I'll admit that my 'partner' was more reluctant, but I digress. I feel much better about it, when I'm actually focusing on the right things.

Why do something poorly when, with a little more time and effort, you can do something well? Clearly we should have had our stuff together in time, but we didn't. So what? No one dies, no one's salvation is in jeopardy, and no one is going to lose any sleep over it. Even if I failed the class, who cares? It's not totally unimportant, but seriously, it's not the basis of my life. The 'Jesus' class would be a poor substitute for Jesus.

Speaking of 'the dude', he was abundantly present at our small group tonight, which, incidentally, seemed to perfectly tie into the topic of this presentation. It was on, "Blessed are the pure in heart for they will see God." We discussed purity, what part we play in that, if any, and how that gets reconciled with our visibly imperfect lives. There were a lot of excellent, God-provoked thoughts that were shared, especially considering how quiet our group can be at times.

Plus, we drank beer. Well, two of us did. Having a 'cold one' while plumbing the depths of Wisdom. Now that is awesome.

God was there. It was good. A much better investment than staying home to be stressed out.

I can't feel my legs!

One of my greater struggles in creating something is being unable to really work at it without the vision of what it will be in the end.

I'm trying to work on a presentation for Friday but it has come to a grinding halt. I have all the info I need, I have all of the thoughts formulated for what I want us to express, and I have some great ideas for creative interaction with the class, but I don't have the frickn' vision.

Oh, it frustrates me to no end. It's like I'm paralyzed. I can barely write a sentence down. I know that sometimes you just write and you get what you get and you work with it, modifying it and tweaking it. Sometimes that's okay, but usually I still need that encased in a solid vision. I need to know how it's supposed to look. And I just. don't. know.

There is simply too much ground to cover, too much theology and Biblical study to fit into a 1o-15 minute slot. What do we do? I just can't seem to find the focus. I would almost prefer to just read from The Cost of Discipleship until we're requested to stop and then tell everyone to read the rest of the book. Question answered.

It also doesn't help that I spent most of my time today NOT working on this.

This is where God's grace comes in. Right....now.

He-Man

"By the power of Grayskull, I have the power!"

If that doesn't bring a tear to your eye, I don't know what will.

I made a reference to He-Man a long time ago, in a blog far, far away. I said something to the effect of He-Man's power from Castle Grayskull being on par with the Holy Spirit. That comparison is still so awesome to me that I almost want to write about it again.

But I digress.

The cool thing about He-Man's power is that while it did not come from him, it was for him, and therefore was something he could personalize. He didn't make himself powerful, he simply lifted his sword and said the words. The power was always there, just not always being used by him. He was chosen to be a vessel of that power, but he also had to choose to accept that.

Where am I going with this?

As I continue to contemplate the life of discipleship, especially in light of my small group's study of the 'manifesto of discipleship' a.k.a ' Sermon on the Mount', and a presentation for school this Friday on grace and discipleship, I'm being drawn more and more to how much it truly is God's work in us.

I have no power to make myself righteous or holy. I have no way to redeem myself by my own efforts. That is an essential truth to grasp. Salvation hinges on this realization. But salvation isn't just about heaven, it's about being saved here and now from the bondage to a sinful nature that destroys the joy, peace, life, and love that Christ would have me experience.

I am saved by walking with Jesus, by knowing him, by letting his power flow through me and transform me. I am saved through discipleship, because that is what grace is about.

Dietrich Bonfoeffer rightly believed that the gift of grace is discipleship. Not to equate myself with someone of his theological stature, but I had been pondering whether that same thing was, in fact, a reality. And then I read what he wrote. That sealed the deal for me.

But I don't have to accept this gift.

It's a choice.

He-Man could have chosen the safe route, stayed as Prince Adam and hid from danger, being content to live in the opulence of his father's kingdom, but instead he realized that his destiny was to wield the 'Sword of Power' and stand against the forces of evil. Man, that just gives me shivers thinking about it.

He chose to embrace a more worthwhile life, a life worth living.

I struggle so much more to do that same thing.

Why can't I be He-Man?

Worlds Apart

I'm realizing more and more the need to be honest about who I am. That's a loaded statement because there seems to be an infinite gap between who I am, in terms of who God created me to be, and who I am in living out this life, often held captive by my sinful nature.

Bit by bit I'm taking steps towards acknowledging my weaknesses, that I sometimes don't make the best choices or do what's 'right'. I wish I did, I know I should, and that grieves my heart. My best defense usually involves an attempt to separate things, to try and believe I'm someone else and to get others to believe that as well.

That grows very tiring. You realize more and more that you can't do that well, at least not without a lot of stress, and you end up separating yourself from others rather than yourself from your failures. Why is this? For me, I think it's because I realize that my bondage to sin isn't really separate from me at all.

We are all responsible for our actions, in most ways, and yet a child who was brought up to believe that hating people of another race is good, is not going to simply stop doing that because they're told it's wrong.

"It's all in your head."

In some very literal ways, I think that's true. I would argue that our thoughts, conscious or otherwise, seem to dictate our actions. If I do that which I consciously hate, there is another belief inside of me that overpowers my consciousness one. That doesn't take away my personal responsibility for my actions, but it does mean that their roots go deeper than I envisioned.

We are told to be different but seldom told to think different. We hear an emphasis on changing behavior without the same focus on changing thoughts and perspective.

No wonder there are so many of us who have become disillusioned with attempts to change ourselves.

But there is more to this than meets the eye...

Necessary Roughness

It's a funny movie. I really just wanted a clever title that related to pain.

I tend to talk about pain a lot, or at least write about it a lot. It's one of the more common human experiences, moreso than joy, and I would say that not only is it common but also essential. This is a point where I really don't enjoy my own philosophy sometimes.

I got hurt last night at Hapkido and yet even more pain was brought upon me this morning when I went back. I may be a glutton for punishment. Honestly, it's like I don't even enjoy it if I'm not suffering while I'm there, both during and afterwards. Sadistic? I don't really think so. It's not the pain I love, but what it represents.

My back is sore in various places, but I love it. I LOVE it.

The heart is less forgiving.

It seems that is takes some serious trauma to remind me that I have a heart at all. I hate it. I HATE it. A broken heart hurts worse than a mangled body, in some ways, and yet it reminds me that, if nothing else, I DO still have a heart.

I occasionally fantasize about having no heart at all, how much easier life would be without the inconsistencies that joy and agony bring. But my heart was a gift.

A gift from God.

He took the time to shape it with care and love, valuing its life above the risk of it being utterly wrecked. I wonder why? What makes it so worthwhile, significant among the billions of other hearts He created?

I don't know. But thank You.

Amen.

Firewood

The cross of Christ is a gift of grace. Really? Really??

That truth resonates deep in my soul, yet my acceptance of that truth is restrained, held back by the bondage to a life that cries out in selfishness, "No, I will not give up myself!"

But it is only through this death to self that new life can grow. The old tree must be cut down for new growth to spring forth. But how hard it is to swing that axe. With every blow I am reminded of the safety and comfort that tree has given me. To let it fall seems terrifying. The dull thunk of the axe rings out. Every chop is harder then the last. My strength begins to wane, I lose confidence in the task I've begun.

What then?

What becomes of me when I no longer have the strength to lift my arms?

Lord, be my strength.

Amen.

Lord have mercy

I find it odd how little I tolerate certain people or certain characteristics in others.

They tend to remind me of me.

Others reflect the flaws that I can't stand in myself, the ones I do my best to hide. I try and keep them on the 'down low', try to put on a good song and dance for the world and they go and unwittingly throw it back in my face!

The nerve of some people.

I struggle to accept God's tolerance of me, of my sinful brokenness, of my faithless selfishness. My judgment of others really is just a judgment of myself. It speaks to me of the flaws in myself that I find appalling and unacceptable, and yet continue to live with.

I hide these things well, yet longing for them to be exposed, to be seen by others, to have them accept me apart from my sins. But that also means I'd be called to act, and not that I don't wish to act, but rather I feel unable to change my condition.

There are few things more depressing than being called to do that which you are seemingly unable to do. If I could simply make myself different, erase my struggles and vices, I would do it in a second.

Or would I?

Grace to the humble

As much as I try to be humble, I am coming to the realization that humility is not something we do. Yes, there are many ways that we express humility, or the lack thereof, but it is not something created out of determination.

In the Beatitudes of the Sermon on the Mount, the prelude and overview of the rest of Jesus' exposition on discipleship, he says that, "Blessed are the meek, for they will inherit the earth." This alludes back to some Psalm. Don't remember which one, but it's there. Anyway, separating meekness from humility is going to be a difficult task. Throw 'gentle' into the mix and you end up with a three-way of literary ambiguity. I've heard they can be used interchangeably in a lot of contexts (in the original Hebrew and subsequent Greek). Anyway, the part that strikes me is that it found it's way into the beatitudes. Why does that matter?

I share the opinion that the beatitudes are not a 'to-do' list for disciples or even for those who wish to join the club. It's an expression of what a disciple looks like, the characteristics that they possess, for they are the characteristics of Christ, himself. They cannot be bought or earned, but are a part of the free gift of grace that we receive when we commit ourselves to following.

There are things that we can do that are 'humbling', steps we can take. There are steps I need to take. But those things, in and of themselves, are not humility, but rather a part of the process that God uses to grow that fruit in our hearts. Humility is a perspective, a lens that we use to view ourselves and the world around us. It reminds us that we are fallen, that others are fallen, that we are no better than them and they are no better than us. It reveals that only God is good, but that Christ living in us can make us good, too. Humility allows us to forgive, it allows us to put others before ourselves as Christ did for us. It lets us see that the greatest of all is the servant of all and that Jesus modeled that to a tee.

Humility means I rely on God and not on myself. After all, I'm not nearly as dependable

That's what I long for. My vision is so blurry.

God, please give me eyes to see.

Amen

Wanderings

I tend to fight against community, fight against discipleship, fight against loving the unloved.

It's hardly intentional, but that's what I do. It seems so much easier than fighting against isolation, against selfishness, against hatred.

I often know what is right and good. I know what battles to fight, and yet I seem to lay down arms. I surrender, unaware of the true price paid when pride and lust and anger are allowed to have the victory. My indifference to my own condition may be more dangerous than my indifference to the world around me. They are certainly not unrelated, if nothing else.

The fight against the things of God seems easier to me in many ways It appears to be a battle I lose more frequently than I win. You get used to life being a certain way, and the courage to take a stand wanes as the years batter you with the losses over and over again.

...

Wandering around in the desert can get very tiring. It's so easy to lose hope, so easy to stop believing that the Promised Land is just up ahead. How many years can you tell yourself that before you stop believing it anymore, before you make peace with the desert and become content to live in that harsh and punishing environment?

Lord, provide me with your grace, your manna from heaven. Give me hope in finding that oasis, the one with streams of living water flowing forth.

Amen

To be or not to be?

There is a reason why we write, why we long to share our souls with others, to one degree or another. What is the yearning in our hearts to be known and to know?

I have learned much. I have much to share. God has much to share, with me and with others.

And yet I am tired. So very tired some days.

Tired of fighting so hard for something that seems so intangible and unattainable. That hasn't changed. The battle rages on, but it looks different than it used to. The call is more pressing, the hunger more ravaging.

I am called to be something much greater than who I think I am.

And so are you.