Simple does not = easy

Well, it has been a good trip so far. We visited a church last night that has a homeless shelter in their building that houses about 35 residents. They also have a congregation of 1500 so yeah, they have tons of cash. The highlight was playing volleyball with some of the residents and volunteers. It was a good time. The church itself used to be a school and they built a huge auditorium for their sanctuary, complete with movie theater seats and 'rock star' lighting.

I have mixed feelings about that, especially when they said they've been having trouble finding actual volunteers to do the hands-on part of things. I guess it was just a reminder as to how ignorant and individualistic we can be, with myself being no exception. Maybe I saw a reflection of my inner self. But when we're told to be all we can be, to go and make something of our lives, to work hard and succeed, how do you expect someone to sacrifice their time and money (the two things needed for worldly success) in order to help those in need?

And I don't buy this whole business that everyone needs Jesus equally so it's irrelevant where we put a church and we should just focus on the community our church is in, regardless of what that community looks like. Maybe everyone needs a relationship with God so as to understand their true identity and experience the kind of love that leads to real life. Sure. But not everyone has the same physical or emotional or even spiritual needs. Nor is everyone equally recognizing of their needs. Maybe everyone needs to hear the same message but there is obviously a reason why Jesus said it was easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God and I don't think it was because wealth means you are evil and selfish.

I can't help but see our capitalistic and consumptive society as a very direct barrier to discipleship, to following Christ and discovering our most real humanity in love and compassion, justice and peace. And really, you can't even end it there because not only does our society act as a stumbling stone to many but it is also a rock that crushes the poor and oppressed. I feel only marginally more educated about the complexities of poverty and homelessness but recognizing some of these complexities has been very significant. There are so many systems in place in our country to help those in need and yet these very systems can easily become tools to keep people in their broken conditions, holding them back from ever escaping without the help of actual human beings who care.

Relationship.

As much as I don't like to hear it or say it or accept it, relationship is the fundamental building block for real change and transformation in people's lives. God does what God does and yet much of that is done that leads to hope and freedom comes through the deliberate acts of us people. Why? I don't know. Don't ask me.

Relationships are not going to fix the systemic inequalities and hindrances that exist but they need to be the start. Knowing people who are suffering in addiction, poverty, mental illness, etc., is the fuel for our passion. These people have names and faces and without taking hold of that we're simply working for ghosts and it's very easy to give up on working on behalf of ghosts.

After all, who really believes in ghosts?

So...what is a Matthew to do?

I'm in Ottawa at the moment and off to Toronto later this morning. I'm off adventuring within the inner and outer city areas of some huge and impressive urban environments. Why? Well, I'm still trying to figure that out.

On a basic level the purpose is to gain some more education in a practical manner, both in working with different 'hands-on' organizations but also (and in my opinion more significant at this point) engaging in dialog with various individuals in these organizations, and within our own group, in order to gain a greater perspective on the very complicated and interwoven issues of poverty and homelessness.

So then the question raised is, "What is a Matthew to do?" I don't think the responses from us as individuals should be carbon copies of one another, but I do think we are all called to respond in some way, as human beings and not just as Christians.

Christianity and the message of Christ gives me some very clear and tangible motivations for wanting to respond, even if I seldom respond in the best way. And when it fundamentally comes down to it I live a comfortable life that I can attempt to continue living comfortably in regardless of God's broken heart for the marginalized and disenfranchised.

I feel like my heart is as cold as stone at times, unwilling to push me to act, frozen in place. That's when I realize that it is not me alone that feels compassion and a desire to do justice. It comes from my Creator, whose image I was created in.

As hard as it is to believe at times, I find my truest heart when I engage in having it broken by the suffering of the world around me. That's not to say I should sit around and mope all the time. Certainly there are things worth rejoicing over and yet it is easy to let those things overpower our focus and to ignore the pain.

The problem with all of this is that it's hard, it requires something of me.

That's the catch for me at the moment.

The Return of the King

I have returned...and yes, that title is a bit too extreme a statement to describe my arrival back at my homestead, but I felt it evoked some good imagery. "When in Rome..."

Oh tree planting, how I miss you already:( It was very challenging work, both physically and mentally, though the physical difficulty was certainly more pronounced at the very beginning and very end. It was hard work but good work, satisfying work that challenged me to the core, which is really the kind of work I long for, albeit often begrudgingly.

It has been a very formational few months though I am still searching for words to even somewhat adequately explain all that has occurred in my inner being throughout this endeavor. While talking to Kim, my very significant other (whom I was able to spend the last month planting with), I mentioned that things would be different when I finally returned home but that I was unsure what that would look like and what those differences would be. I still don't have a clear picture.

And having watched "The Dark Knight" while on a day off in B.C., I throw out this bit of quotable quotes from the Joker, "But I know the truth: there's no going back. You've changed things ... forever"

Life, by it's very nature, is not static, not in the least. My insides have been rearranged, for better or worse, but hopefully for the better. My faith has changed along with my understanding of who God is, who I am, and what this Christianity business is all about. I don't for a second think that I see things clearly now but I do see things on another level.

To use the analogy of sight, it's not quite like going from seeing in black and white to seeing shades of gray but more like going from seeing in two dimensions to seeing in three. It's not that my poor eyesight has been miraculously restored. No, my vision is still quite fuzzy, but I'm making out shapes and objects that were previously foreign to me.

Seeing the form of a sphere can be quite disturbing when having lived in a world of mere circles.

I don't know where I go from here and to be honest I'm a bit frightened and anxious. I honestly don't know where this is going to end up.

But I know that I can't go back and so I step forward into the unknown.