I was writing an email to a friend and had said something to the effect of, "If you want to know where I'm at with life you can check out my blog." Then I quickly realized that even though this blog is implicitly an expression of where I'm at in my journey, I'm often not very explicit about the nitty gritty parts of my life. In short, this blog isn't nearly as messy as my actual life.
And that's okay.
I don't have anything against writing about my own fears and struggles and dreams and victories, but I don't necessarily see that as being the most beneficial...ah, I just don't like being publicly vulnerable. I mean, I don't 'like' being vulnerable at any time. 'I' don't want to face the implications that arise. But this leads me to another point...
What I'm uncovering on this journey is how we, as human beings, are made up of innumerable conflicting impulses and desires, some we would consider noble while others we demonize, though there is little consensus on how to determine which is which.
Actually, this I learned a while ago but what is challenging me to the core is seeing that so much of my efforts to change, and even many of my more 'noble' actions, are still motivated by the same part of myself that is also, at times, interested in selfish choices and self-destructive behaviour. Yes, there are multiple parts to the human condition but the lines are not only where I thought they were.
Almost all of my experience as a human being has been rooted in one particular kind of experience of who I am - the ego, the psychological sense of self. Good decisions, bad decisions, virtuous dreams, horrifying impulses, 99.999% of them have been experienced within this particular identity. Why do I talk about it like this? Because it's only ONE aspect of who I am and it's not even the most significant one.
The only reason I can see this is that I've experienced a deeper dimension of who I am and from that position it becomes immediately and perfectly clear that this 'normal' way that I've been relating to life is only one small part of an infinitely bigger picture.
The shocking part is the deconstruction of the idea that my 'good' thoughts, feelings, and decisions come from a 'Good' part of myself and that my 'bad' thoughts, feelings, and decisions come from a 'Bad' part of myself. This is not entirely wrong but it's only partially true.
An example would to look at a person at ten-years old, twenty-years old, thirty-years old, etc. They may have very different understandings of who they are at these different ages because of the difference in life experience, psychological development, cultural conditioning, and other potential influences and yet their sense of identity can be in the exact same place, namely, the psychological self. This goes for all of us.
But there is a deeper dimension of who we are that, when discovered, makes everything else seem as real as a dream.
Where does the messiness fit in? In discovering these things but remaining unwilling to live into the reality they've revealed to me. I'm still fundamentally identified with my psychological self, with my thoughts and feelings, and one could say this is the greatest addiction of all to give up.
Because of my failure to live from this deeper sense of self, I can also see how my words and actions can ring so hollow in a world desperate for people who are willing to live beyond their ego and model a new way of being that is profoundly transformational and yet relatively uncommon and unseen by most.
In an ideal world, after having discovered such profound intel, I would then commit my life to being a greater and greater manifestation of the inherent beauty and perfection of this deeper sense of self, even amidst all of my human imperfections and limitations. I know more clearly than I ever have before how much potential my life really has and it's excruciating to actually face the fact that most of the time I'm squandering it.
On top of all that, I also see that the guilt and desire to change that I experience internally is still largely rooted in the part of me that doesn't actually want to change or be responsible. No wonder my progress seems so inconsistent and slow, in many ways.
I totally acknowledge that this may be incomprehensible to some. Consider this a moment of me embracing the messiness of this process.
And that's okay.
I don't have anything against writing about my own fears and struggles and dreams and victories, but I don't necessarily see that as being the most beneficial...ah, I just don't like being publicly vulnerable. I mean, I don't 'like' being vulnerable at any time. 'I' don't want to face the implications that arise. But this leads me to another point...
What I'm uncovering on this journey is how we, as human beings, are made up of innumerable conflicting impulses and desires, some we would consider noble while others we demonize, though there is little consensus on how to determine which is which.
Actually, this I learned a while ago but what is challenging me to the core is seeing that so much of my efforts to change, and even many of my more 'noble' actions, are still motivated by the same part of myself that is also, at times, interested in selfish choices and self-destructive behaviour. Yes, there are multiple parts to the human condition but the lines are not only where I thought they were.
Almost all of my experience as a human being has been rooted in one particular kind of experience of who I am - the ego, the psychological sense of self. Good decisions, bad decisions, virtuous dreams, horrifying impulses, 99.999% of them have been experienced within this particular identity. Why do I talk about it like this? Because it's only ONE aspect of who I am and it's not even the most significant one.
The only reason I can see this is that I've experienced a deeper dimension of who I am and from that position it becomes immediately and perfectly clear that this 'normal' way that I've been relating to life is only one small part of an infinitely bigger picture.
The shocking part is the deconstruction of the idea that my 'good' thoughts, feelings, and decisions come from a 'Good' part of myself and that my 'bad' thoughts, feelings, and decisions come from a 'Bad' part of myself. This is not entirely wrong but it's only partially true.
An example would to look at a person at ten-years old, twenty-years old, thirty-years old, etc. They may have very different understandings of who they are at these different ages because of the difference in life experience, psychological development, cultural conditioning, and other potential influences and yet their sense of identity can be in the exact same place, namely, the psychological self. This goes for all of us.
But there is a deeper dimension of who we are that, when discovered, makes everything else seem as real as a dream.
Where does the messiness fit in? In discovering these things but remaining unwilling to live into the reality they've revealed to me. I'm still fundamentally identified with my psychological self, with my thoughts and feelings, and one could say this is the greatest addiction of all to give up.
Because of my failure to live from this deeper sense of self, I can also see how my words and actions can ring so hollow in a world desperate for people who are willing to live beyond their ego and model a new way of being that is profoundly transformational and yet relatively uncommon and unseen by most.
In an ideal world, after having discovered such profound intel, I would then commit my life to being a greater and greater manifestation of the inherent beauty and perfection of this deeper sense of self, even amidst all of my human imperfections and limitations. I know more clearly than I ever have before how much potential my life really has and it's excruciating to actually face the fact that most of the time I'm squandering it.
On top of all that, I also see that the guilt and desire to change that I experience internally is still largely rooted in the part of me that doesn't actually want to change or be responsible. No wonder my progress seems so inconsistent and slow, in many ways.
I totally acknowledge that this may be incomprehensible to some. Consider this a moment of me embracing the messiness of this process.
2 comments:
I am so very thankful I have had opportunities over this past month to listen to you express your thoughts and to understand, to some degree, the awesome spiritual experiences you have encountered. Many times I sense your deeper self, watching you acting out of that place, away from ego. I can only encourage you to go on in this quest, wherever it takes you...a good, yet difficult place where few would be/are willing to go. Thanks for your wisdom, and your honesty....again...
Thanks for your encouragement and support...again...
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