I have all kinds of time on my hands. Some days I feel like I waste it frivolously while other days I feel as though I've made good use of it in a worthwhile way.
The challenge I face is the recognition that the path forward is not simply a path of doing more 'worthwhile' things and doing less 'not-as-worthwhile' things. I would suggest that if we have some reasonable understanding of life then doing things that seem more worthwhile to us is probably going to yield greater fruit in the end.
Having said that, there are sooooo many good and worthwhile things to be done! One could endlessly devote themselves to all manner of good things and it would be lovely. But would there be something missing? Doing things that we perceive as being positive builds self-esteem and self-confidence, both of which are great, not to mention the potential benefit to others, too, assuming they actually are positive beyond our own perception.
But in a world of so many opportunities and 'good things,' how do we choose what to do?
I find myself often in a state of apathy and confusion when I see that I have so many choices to do all manner of goodness and still remain essentially the person I am today, just better.
Don't get me wrong, this would not be a bad thing at all! Being better would be better but I don't want to simply be better. If all I will end up as is a better version of the same person, I'm not that interested. I don't want to be fundamentally the same person I am today no matter how much better.
I want better than better.
Is that too audacious? Perhaps it is and yet I honestly cannot imagine how I could settle for less, though, to be honest, isn't that what I'm doing, day in and day out? Am I not settling for less in the life that I am living? It's true, I am.
Why do I settle for less? Because despite the profound experiences I've had and the philosophical clarity I've experienced I'm not ready to let go of this self-identity that has been carved out for me, partly by my own hands, partly by culture, and partly by this evolutionary process that has brought us this far.
Who would I be if I let it all go? I know there's someone better than better on the other side of this and yet my willingness to overcome the sheer terror I feel at the thought of such a radical change is a bit...lacking.
But maybe the terror is never going to disappear. Will I remain a prisoner of my own mind and emotions? Can I find the courage to step outside of my cold, dark cell and never return? That seems like an obvious choice when life is so much better on the outside! I know, I've tasted it. And yet peaking your head out is not the same as running into the open air and never going back.
From a more objective perspective, it may seem as though I'm not really that interested in such things or I would be doing a lot more to really make it happen. There's some truth to that but I'm also honestly not really that interested in a whole lot and yet this is the one thing I keep coming back to again and again, no matter how many times I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel.
Of course, if I never actually succeed in the kind of transformation that I keep speaking of and pointing towards then I might look like quite the fool in the end.
Hmm, that's a humbling thought.
And so I continue to face into these things, even when I feel as though I'm not moving forward at all and that these words serve no real purpose.
Call it faith, I suppose.
The challenge I face is the recognition that the path forward is not simply a path of doing more 'worthwhile' things and doing less 'not-as-worthwhile' things. I would suggest that if we have some reasonable understanding of life then doing things that seem more worthwhile to us is probably going to yield greater fruit in the end.
Having said that, there are sooooo many good and worthwhile things to be done! One could endlessly devote themselves to all manner of good things and it would be lovely. But would there be something missing? Doing things that we perceive as being positive builds self-esteem and self-confidence, both of which are great, not to mention the potential benefit to others, too, assuming they actually are positive beyond our own perception.
But in a world of so many opportunities and 'good things,' how do we choose what to do?
I find myself often in a state of apathy and confusion when I see that I have so many choices to do all manner of goodness and still remain essentially the person I am today, just better.
Don't get me wrong, this would not be a bad thing at all! Being better would be better but I don't want to simply be better. If all I will end up as is a better version of the same person, I'm not that interested. I don't want to be fundamentally the same person I am today no matter how much better.
I want better than better.
Is that too audacious? Perhaps it is and yet I honestly cannot imagine how I could settle for less, though, to be honest, isn't that what I'm doing, day in and day out? Am I not settling for less in the life that I am living? It's true, I am.
Why do I settle for less? Because despite the profound experiences I've had and the philosophical clarity I've experienced I'm not ready to let go of this self-identity that has been carved out for me, partly by my own hands, partly by culture, and partly by this evolutionary process that has brought us this far.
Who would I be if I let it all go? I know there's someone better than better on the other side of this and yet my willingness to overcome the sheer terror I feel at the thought of such a radical change is a bit...lacking.
But maybe the terror is never going to disappear. Will I remain a prisoner of my own mind and emotions? Can I find the courage to step outside of my cold, dark cell and never return? That seems like an obvious choice when life is so much better on the outside! I know, I've tasted it. And yet peaking your head out is not the same as running into the open air and never going back.
From a more objective perspective, it may seem as though I'm not really that interested in such things or I would be doing a lot more to really make it happen. There's some truth to that but I'm also honestly not really that interested in a whole lot and yet this is the one thing I keep coming back to again and again, no matter how many times I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel.
Of course, if I never actually succeed in the kind of transformation that I keep speaking of and pointing towards then I might look like quite the fool in the end.
Hmm, that's a humbling thought.
And so I continue to face into these things, even when I feel as though I'm not moving forward at all and that these words serve no real purpose.
Call it faith, I suppose.
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