It's funny to think that for someone like myself, who practically lives in the world of thought, I would have such a difficult time contemplating who I am and where I am at - pretty basic things. But I find it tremendously challenging. It takes an enormous amount of courage and a truly heroic effort to look more deeply into what's really important to us and who we believe ourselves to be.
Why is it often so difficult? Perhaps because what we may find can threaten some deeply help beliefs that seem to be woven into the very fabric of our self-identity.
For a very long time, I've recognized the dissonance between the person I would like to be and the person I am, or putting it another way, between the choices I recognize as being virtuous and the choices I actually make. I think many people experience this tension at times, some more than others, yet beyond the mere feelings of shame or guilt or inadequacy that can arise, my experience has also been characterized by a refusal to accept this reality.
Rather than accepting that I'm at where I'm at, I focus on where I think I should be, as if that is enough to fundamentally change anything. I can see now that I've made a crucial mistake in assuming that being aware of my own greater potential means I will manifest this potential.
It may seem obvious that this would not necessarily be true and yet I've consistently refused to accept it, assuming it should be true and that there must be something wrong with me to make it 'untrue.' I forget or ignore my own free will. Even if I've caught a glimpse of what's on the other side of a river, I'm not going to get there until I've committed to it and I actually start swimming.
I must honestly face the reality that I won't live like someone who is absolutely and wholeheartedly committed to Spirit when I am not. And I am not. I must first accept this if I am to move forward, if I am to ever come to a place of making such a commitment. Pretending I have already done so is not only untrue it's also disempowering because it implies there must be something wrong with me, as an individual, if such a commitment radically transforms the lives of others but leaves my own fundamentally unchanged.
I've always made it a problem about me.
"I'm not good enough."
"I'm a failure."
"There's something wrong with me."
These are, of course, distortions of the truth. It would be like trying to swim across a river but turning back because it feels too cold and then assuming I'm incapable of making it even though I can see others in the water and those who've made it to the far side. If this is what I was to believe then what hope would there be to succeed? Not a whole lot.
Radical transformation is possible. However, we must first embrace where we are right now. This is both humbling and clarifying.
I have seen the glory of God and I am not surrendered to it.
This is where I am. This is the place to start.
Why is it often so difficult? Perhaps because what we may find can threaten some deeply help beliefs that seem to be woven into the very fabric of our self-identity.
For a very long time, I've recognized the dissonance between the person I would like to be and the person I am, or putting it another way, between the choices I recognize as being virtuous and the choices I actually make. I think many people experience this tension at times, some more than others, yet beyond the mere feelings of shame or guilt or inadequacy that can arise, my experience has also been characterized by a refusal to accept this reality.
Rather than accepting that I'm at where I'm at, I focus on where I think I should be, as if that is enough to fundamentally change anything. I can see now that I've made a crucial mistake in assuming that being aware of my own greater potential means I will manifest this potential.
It may seem obvious that this would not necessarily be true and yet I've consistently refused to accept it, assuming it should be true and that there must be something wrong with me to make it 'untrue.' I forget or ignore my own free will. Even if I've caught a glimpse of what's on the other side of a river, I'm not going to get there until I've committed to it and I actually start swimming.
I must honestly face the reality that I won't live like someone who is absolutely and wholeheartedly committed to Spirit when I am not. And I am not. I must first accept this if I am to move forward, if I am to ever come to a place of making such a commitment. Pretending I have already done so is not only untrue it's also disempowering because it implies there must be something wrong with me, as an individual, if such a commitment radically transforms the lives of others but leaves my own fundamentally unchanged.
I've always made it a problem about me.
"I'm not good enough."
"I'm a failure."
"There's something wrong with me."
These are, of course, distortions of the truth. It would be like trying to swim across a river but turning back because it feels too cold and then assuming I'm incapable of making it even though I can see others in the water and those who've made it to the far side. If this is what I was to believe then what hope would there be to succeed? Not a whole lot.
Radical transformation is possible. However, we must first embrace where we are right now. This is both humbling and clarifying.
I have seen the glory of God and I am not surrendered to it.
This is where I am. This is the place to start.
2 comments:
I hear you on the thoughts of not being good enough, being a failure, etc. In cultivating awareness of present experience, we can notice these thoughts and recognize that these are just thoughts, just stories that we tell ourselves. The task, perhaps, is to approach this thought with curiosity- to say, 'that's interesting'when we notice we have the thouht. We have clearly habituated particular thought patterns, and the act of noticing with nonjudgment has the curious effect of lessening the hold of these thoughts upon us, and the physiological reactivity we have to them.
I definitely agree with that. Noticing without drawing conclusions. THAT is a powerful practice!
"We have clearly habituated particular thought patterns, and the act of noticing with nonjudgment has the curious effect of lessening the hold of these thoughts upon us, and the physiological reactivity we have to them."
I hope everyone who stops by here can take note of this, too. Good stuff!
Thanks for stopping by and sharing:)
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